1.Have student read aloud your selected paragraph. Here is our assignments paragraph:
...He pretended next that he was the slave, pushing the wheelbarrow along the rough block pavement of the market street. On every hand he was bumped and jostled. He could feel his back and arms ache with the weight of the load. He could feel the perspiration run down his face. Benjamin West and His Cat Grimalkin, pg. 982. Have student pick out 5ish key words from each sentence. Remind her to make sure her notes would make sense if she looked at them later. For example, instead of "wheelbarrow", encourage "pushing wheelbarrow." It conjures up completely different thoughts in a readers heads. Another example would be "pavement" versus "rough pavement." Here are DyD notes:
- slave, pushing wheelbarrow, rough pavement, market
- every hand was bumped and jostled
- back and arms ache, weight of the load
- feel perspiration, run down, face
Benjamin pretended he was a slave pushing a wheelbarrow down the rough pavement of the market. Every hand bumped and jostled him. His back and arms ached from the weight of the load. He could feel the perspiration run down his face.4. Examine each sentence and then focus on remodeling. (improve sentence quality, add synonyms and/or describing words)
- Are there sentences that don't quite convey the author's intent? I see one in DyDs work: Every hand bumped and jostled him. The author's sentence gives more of an impression that his hands were jostled, not the whole of him. So, we changed the sentence to convey more specific meaning: Every hand was bumped and jostled by shoppers. Then we took the sentence and changed the word "jostled" to a meaning more familiar with my student, jerked. We also realized that "every" usually means more than a few, so we changed the word to "both" and fixed the verbage to have subject/verb agreement. Our new sentence, Both hands were bumped and jerked by shoppers.
- We took the next sentences and used our thesaurus and knowledge base to change up the vocabulary. Here is our finished product:
Benjamin pretended he was a slave pushing a wheelbarrow down the rough pavement of the market. Both hands were bumped and jerked by shoppers. His back and arms ached from the heavy cargo. He could feel the sweat drip down his face.